I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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