Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
