Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize