Old men and throwing up are my life now.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
