When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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