Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
