The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
