I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
