tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
