i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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