he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it's like heaven, but drunker
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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