The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
