I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
