I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
