I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
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