Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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