I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
