am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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