You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
