you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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