garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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