maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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