Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
