My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
