Nicole vs. Life
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i came on her dog
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I forget how to act sober
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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