My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
