if only i could text you this smell
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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