What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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