Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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