Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
