Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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