The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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