Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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