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Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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