Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
