gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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