Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
