I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
