I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
