Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
