So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
