The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
