I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am available for nakedness
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
