the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
