I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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