I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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