wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
