i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish you could order shots online.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
