That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize