When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A bitchslap is in order.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize