why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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