Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize