yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
