Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize