What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
