I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
