The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
