this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
