my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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