if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
