Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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